I’m not entirely certain why that rather bleak title agrees with me, it’s not exactly filled with the normal excitement I feel when starting a new post. None the less it serves as well as any other and fits things neatly; you see, my current predicament came about because of that irritating feeling.
To fill in the applicable back story I should say I’m currently in the process of becoming a Police Officer. It’s a career I’ve been set on for a number of years and feel every bit assured will inevitable be where I finally end up – and happily so. The job certainly appeals to me and the training has made me eager. This is all fine and dandy for about 90% of my life, the issue arises in the last 10%. I have this absurd notion to try and thrive off the will to create alone.
I love writing and I frequently rant, I am enthralled by the creativity and dedication put into every frame of movies, I think the higher class of game allows such freedom in design that the possibilities are fresh and endless. I love all of these things. The joy I get from pursuing how these things are made has been a long time in the running. However, it’s from such things my problem stems. Whenever I run across a special feature that explains production or I listen to the commentary on a movie or game I find myself thinking how fine of a thing it might be to make that a job for life. Trying to take the multitude of little fancies – Brief, fun, spurts of story or characters – and bring them to life on a screen or in a book. If I’m particularly enthused with the product in question this leads to several weeks of wistful dreams before reality asserts itself and I return to my current career.
I always wonder if this is a good or bad sign. I like what I chose for life. Policing does interest me. If it wasn’t for these rare occasions when all of that is thrown out the window in favor of dreams I think I’d be perfectly happy with what I’m doing. I do have doubts though. What if my enthusiasm for production and writing would never diminish? If I immersed myself in film and books and games made by others while dedicating my free time to create as much as I could would the feeling of satisfaction never go away? I only infrequently come across production special features draw my attention in and it’s generally the prolonged absence of anything similar that makes the feeling go away. However, to try and pursue the education required for any of these careers I’d need to dramatically change my life, and should it prove not to be the route I wanted to take in the end it would dramatically slow the start of my career and likely give me a new load of debt. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’d cripple me beyond the ability to recuperate, but it’d certainly delay things a great deal. The eagerness to finish schooling and finally start in on what people occasionally refer to as ‘real life’ is very nearly palpable.
Right now I alleviate my want to try all these things by writing short stories and do little things – like this blog – that let me putter away with some degree of freedom and cost myself very little. Regrettably there’re no questions to draw from this, no consoling conclusions to lay out. It’s just rambling and idling wondering about what could be. I simply don’t have the money or time to pursue all my possible options. I suppose I should start buying lottery tickets.
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