I fear after having seen The Kings Speech for a second time that I feel, at the moment as though I am King George VI I have my own voice and I want it to be heard, but the outrageous stumbling of word choice and faulty starts embarrass and confound me. Also, like King George VI this is something I’ve always dealt with I do have a condition that in essence says I have a hard time making the things in my brain become words – especially by hand (strangely, I think significantly FASTER when I’m writing pen and paper maybe those two things are connected).
With practice and desire I have circumvented this do a degree, but it feels like something in the back of my mind at all times when I write this nagging sensation that I’m not saying what I want. I know having difficulty putting word to paper is something that I am sure everyone can empathize with – so I am not being exclusionary in anyway nor am I saying that I am special for overcoming this affliction. It is simply that I have this annoying part of my memory that tells me that I am unable to say what I want and when this turns out to be true (i.e. arguing my points in a paper to a Prof. because of my wording) it really hurts and makes me not want to write.
I suppose that is part of my unwillingness to write. Of course it is also just lethargy which compounds the problem when I don’t feel like editing. Also the notion that I could be doing something else, something less taxing than write, but those wounds really pile up and hurt.
It isn’t something I talk about often, mostly because it doesn’t often come up and also that the diagnosis was only a probably we need to run more test kind of thing so I don’t It doesn’t help when the soapbox of your choosing (THIS PLACE) is shared by someone much more eloquent, the damned rotten bastard, which is even worse when it is agreed upon that the rotten bastard can barely write for shit anyway. This is the point I add a smiley face to smooth things over between us :)
Now what was all that bitching for? Where did this lead us? Nowhere, that’s where. I really have little to say today except that the last few posts and a verbal smack in form of the guttural utterance “POST!” have once again ignited the something in me that makes complete paragraphs and not half drawn maps, incomplete names with lines and numbers (which may or may not be dates) between them. I really do love to write and this was supposed to be a place where we can say anything, critiquing shit has gone out the window but hopefully that is only for now – critiquing is something I do about once a minute so I should really be able to commit it to a word doc.
Like my colleague, no promises will be made but hopefully you will hear more from me (that isn’t complete bitching) soon. I warn there will be bitching though, from both of us, probably about writing and each other. Maybe about other stuff, I’ve been thinking about my personal beliefs a lot recently and working them out in blog-form seems okay to me, although it really makes me wanna play Xenosaga or MGS1 and read The Lord of the Rings or Eyeshield 21 again they are my comfort escapes. Or maybe I’ll finally be able to introduce you to some of the projects I've started.
One of them was particularly for this site, but obviously hypothetical reader there wasn’t anything given to you.
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